A message to the Aliens

Humans? Do what you want with them.

Humans can take care of themselves,

playing stupid games with each other

and with dogs. But please save the dogs.

They will return the favor 100 times over,

I guarantee ya. They’ll be happy with just a pat on the head.

You don’t have to save the cats. The cats

will save themselves. They’ll hide out and survive.

But please save the dogs.

They could teach you a lot of things.

So, Aliens, have you set up newspapers yet?

You might want to think twice about it.

Newspaper reporters are pesky little critters.

If you try it, here’s a piece for your first edition. We called them op-eds, back in the day when there were newspapers. And we were allowed to have opinions.

Here it is:

I’m alone here.

Never mind where.

I know y’all and your cops are doing sweeps everywhere up there, killing people like moths you don’t want in your sweaters.

I’m alone here underground, in the dark.

Not alone, perzackly. I got dogs with me here. Two big ones, to start, who would tear you up if I asked ‘em to do it. I’ve got other ones too, so don’t think you can outsmart me and my dogs. They can smell you in the dark.

So maybe we could make an exchange. Should you ever need some dogs.

And you will. On this planet you will.

OK, to start with, I don’t know who y’all are and I don’t know where you came from, but it appears that you want to kill all of us and we want to kill all of you.

Oh, and before you got here, we also wanted to kill all of us. And did a damn good job of it.

So, really, Aliens, whoever you are: We don’t need your help. We’ve been doing this for thousands of years, and getting better at it all the time. Especially lately.

How is it or was it on your planet?

Was it fun for y’all to kill each other? How did y’all arrange it? Not just how to kill each other, but who to kill, and how to do it?

And why?

And — this above all — how did you sell it?

Why did you buy it? What did it cost if you refused it?

Which was more expensive, on an individual level: joining in the killing sprees, or trying to hide out from it?

Now that you’re here: Was it worth it? All the killing, all the murders.

Was that the way it always was on your planet? What did you gain by it? What did you lose by it, aside from your planet, and all your fellow Aliens?

And speaking of your planet, did you win or lose your wars? And how could you tell? And what was left?

I’m here in a cave with my dogs. We’ve got water — do you guys need water? — and I need to slip out the cave from time to time to kill something, to feed my dogs.

Is that all right with you?

We’ve got a lot of cool animals on this planet. I hope you don’t kill them for food, or … for any reason. Animals are cool. Humans were animals. Not as cool as elephants or giraffes or anteaters, or … most animals. So please let the animals live. Study them, sure, but don’t hurt them.

I guess what I’m asking is, since you seem to rule the world now, don’t kill me. Or my dogs. Or any dogs. They could help you, really. And even if they don’t help you that much, still, you might like to have them around. I know I did. Do.

Dogs are better than men. That’s to start. To start why y’all should not kill them. But as for men? If you should decide to kill them all, you’ll just be doing what they’ve been doing all along.