The billionaire tax

How much money do you need?

Is a billion dollars not enough? Can you get by with, say, $950 million?

You’d think so, but California billionaires have reportedly been squawking over a proposed ballot measure that would impose a one-time 5% wealth tax on billionaires.

The proposal even allows the tax to be paid in installments over five years. No one wants to see a billionaire forced out of their home because of a sudden unexpected forced payment. OK, maybe we do want to see that, but let’s try to maintain our humanity.

We can argue over whether this is fair or not — we won’t all have to share our wealth but, on the other hand, most billionaires get lots of tax breaks and other advantages the rest of us don’t have. This, however, is not the most perplexing question here. What we need to figure out is why so many billionaires care.

After all, what’s an extra $50 million to a billionaire? One less yacht? One less jet? One less year’s supply of youthful blood?

It shouldn’t be a big deal and yet we have all this whining and complaining and threats of leaving the state.

The latter may seem like the hordes of people promising to move to Canada before the last election but billionaires can actually afford to move and take their companies with them. They may not do it, but they could.

There must be some sort of deep psychological reason for the ways billionaires are reacting that I can’t empathize with. What I can do is offer a suggestion: Give the billionaires something in exchange for their money.

These are people who think transactionally. If they can get something for their contribution to the state that they couldn’t otherwise get, they’d part willingly with their spare change.

What can California offer people who can buy almost anything?

The answer is obvious: Stuff that money can’t normally buy.

For example, a knighthood. There are some serious egos out there who would love to force everyone to call them “sir” or “your highness.” The state could make it official with a televised formal dubbing or accolade followed by celebration and feasting.

Statues are nice perks too. Yes, billionaires can commission their own statues but they can’t put them on top of the state capital or in front of schools around the state. The honored billionaire should be depicted brandishing a sword while riding a bear.

Free parking. This concept is straight out of Monopoly, the classic capitalist game. Taxpaying billionaires should be able to park anywhere they want without getting a ticket.

State holidays. Historical figures who contributed to society get holidays named after them, so why shouldn’t billionaires who contribute to society get them too? I can’t wait for the next Peter Thiel Day mattress and tire sales.

Dinner with the government officials of their choice. I know this sounds more like a punishment than a reward, but the kicker is that the officials can’t say anything. They have to listen to the billionaire ramble on for as long as they like. (Note: Mental health professionals should be available for the officials immediately after the event.)

Producer credit on all big-budget films made in the state whether the billionaire had anything to do with the movie or not. No one doesn’t like to see their name on screen.

Their names on government-owned performing arts centers and other buildings. That guy in Washington sure likes that perk.

The state budget will be balanced in no time.