Stop me if you’ve heard this before

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for corporations to rob people to whom they were never even loosely connected, and to assume among their grubby powers, the elevated station to which they claim because they were born rich and White, just like their Daddy, as the Laws of Nature and Nature's God entitled them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which propelled them to their Lordly Status.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men born White, or rich, or preferably both — and all profitable businesses incorporated in Delaware — are endowed by Congress and the Income Tax Code to certain unalienable Rights, that among these are the ability to inflict pain upon the riff-raff, and pile it on.

That to secure these rights, we sell the Supreme Court, both houses of Congress and the Presidency, to the highest bidders, deriving their powers from money.

That whenever any proposed legislation becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the Rich People and Corporations to scream bloody murder, to buy as many more votes in Congress as they need, and to corrupt what once appeared to be a decent form of Government, until it organized its powers so as to most likely effect the Safety and Happiness of rich White people and corporations.

Prudence, indeed, transcribes this Declaration; (Prudence is an au pair from the Netherlands who speaks better English than I do. She dictated this into a cool AI machine that typed it out perfeckly.)

Governments that have protected rich White people and their Corporations for 250 years, and are on dozens of corporate doles, should not be changed for light and transient causes; and all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer in silence, while evils are sufferable, than to speak up and find themselves kidnapped by ICE, handcuffed and beaten unconscious and deported to Uganda.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce rich White people and their corporations to the destitute states of, oh, say, a Black Descendant of Slaves, or a Mexican American, it is the corporation’s right, it is their duty, to buy off the Government again, and to provide new Guards for White people’s future security.

Such has been the patient sufferance of corporations, and such is now the necessity of investors to put up their money and Bitcoins and shut up.

The history of Donny Little Hands is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation for people who are neither rich nor White.

He has called together chatrooms of slavering cowards, at places unusual and uncomfortable, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has descended repeatedly into insane internet rants against anyone who opposes his invasions on the rights of human and animal beings.

He has spewed lies, hatred and death threats against peccadilloes such as simple jokes, wasting our time and his tiny brain power on admiring himself in his own distorting mirror, the State remaining in the meantime exposed to all the dangers of invasion from without, and convulsions within.

He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of ICE Officers, and sent swarms of them to harass our people, and eat out their substance, and kick the shit out of them while they are handcuffed, and deport them, though they are legally in the United States, and often, citizens.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, Standing Armies and ICE goons without the Consent of our Legislatures.

He has affected to render the Military and National Guard independent of and superior to the Civil power.

He has quartered large bodies of armed troops among us:

He has protected them from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

He has cut off or diminished our Trade with all parts of the world:

He has excused himself and his slithy ilk from paying Taxes:

He has deprived refugees of the benefits of Trial by Jury, or of any trial at all:

He has transported refugees beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:

He has suspended our own Legislatures, and declared himself invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and Waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns and destroyed the lives of our people.

He has employed large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat his works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has murdered poor fishermen upon what he considers His Seas, never capturing a one of them, or offering proof that they were drug dealers and terrorists, rather than poor fishermen.

He is exciting domestic insurrections against himself, so as to further suppress and murder people who, above all, are not White, but nonetheless possess a particle of brain.

A Tyrant whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

He has been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. He be White and rich. Suffer, baby.

We, therefore, mostly corporations and rich White people, declare that we no longer belong to the United Nations, because can you imagine how many bribes that would take?